urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kaylacorpsekaylacorpsekaylacorpsekaylacorpse2007-06-10T13:38:08Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kaylacorpse:1481So Tired2007-06-10T13:38:08Z2007-06-10T13:38:08Zthis all seems to never-ending sometimes. same thing day after day- hating myself so much!!! i just had to purge yesteday cuz it was just too much. then i was so empty and ended up doin it again already this morning. i hate doin it and it sucks the energy out of me. i been so tired lately and don't know why. that makes it hard to do what i gotta do with exercise and work (ugh!) and all. then i can't sleep worth a shit no matter what. i don't even know what to eat anymore cuz i can find something wrong with just about everything there is.<br /><br />i'm so lonely too. i haven't really had any real friends in a long time. i don't have time, sort of. i guess i do, but i don't want to have to make up reasons why i can't do some of the things they do like go out to gorge on pizza and shit like that. i wish i had some friends who were like me so nobody had to explain anything and it was just understood that food wouldn't be part of what we would do. someone to go running with would be great!!! also, it's bathing suit season and i'm not getting this fucking body into a suit and making everyone sick by having to look at me. there's a pool here and i'd like to go get a tan, but i wish there was a way that i could go and just be completely alone without having to see anyone else and for sure with nobody lookin at me!<br /><br />this is no life but there's no other way.urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kaylacorpse:1092The Grocery2007-05-29T02:34:21Z2007-05-29T02:35:15ZHad to go to the grocery today and i hate doing it. Even though I don't have to get very much it takes me forever to choose what to get. I know all of the labels by memory but I still have to look at them and think about them. I can see the bad side to every food- just more reason not to bother going. The store smells weird and I hate dealing with the other people there. I was hoping that since it's a holiday today people wouldn't be there, but lines were long. I always feel like people are staring at my cart, probably wondering why I'm buying such things. I hate their stares- makes me want to scream and hide. At least I won't have to go back for a long time! <br /><br />Also, there was an anorexic woman there and she had a little girl with her. I wonder how she was able to have a baby while being so skinny? I would love to have a child someday but I don't know about the whole getting fat part of it. I glanced at her cart and I cold tell which things were for her and which were for her child. I wonder if I'm that obvious? <br /><br />I'm so exhausted tonight. I've been dizzy all day and I don't know why. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Also, my hands feel like they're asleep. Weird. I'm going to go to sleep early tonight and just get up earlier tomorrow.urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kaylacorpse:974yesterday2007-05-27T16:55:30Z2007-05-27T16:55:30ZI'm nervous about posting cuz I know I'm not that smart and it seems like every time I say anything (in my "real" life) it comes out wrong. I'm such an idiot! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings on here. There are so many great girls here and I don't want people to hate me. I already hate myself enough for everyone so I don't need any more.<br /><br />I had to go to my nephew's birthday with my whole family there and it was awful. My mom made hamburgers and my dad put mayo on the buns without even asking if I wanted any! The other stuff wasn't any help- french fries (total FAT!), some weird cabbage and Ramen noodle salad, and then, of course, the cake. I pretended that I was full so I got out of the cake. I told them that I had been sick with some stomach flu the last few days and just wasn't able to eat much so I had a few bites of that salad stuff. I wonder what the fuck was in it??? So I'm feeling really terrible today. My stomach is sticking out and I feel jiggles when I walk- BAD sign. I did an extra long run this morning but I doubt that will make up for all that shit. I'm fasting for the next 3 days, at least! I don't understand why every gathering of people has to be around food! It's so fucked up!<br /><br />I think the goat emoticons are the best ones for me because I feel like a goat- eat everything in sight!urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:kaylacorpse:548I'm new2007-05-25T20:21:04Z2007-05-25T20:21:04ZI don't relly know what to write. I've been trying to lose weight for along time and nothign is working anymore. I hate myself some times because I eat when I know I shouldn't. I'm so scared I might get my period again if I don't get rid of these hips. and I look like I'm pregnant or something! I feel like such a loser. I've tried all of the diet pills in the stores and they don't work anymore. Any ideas?